Percentiles

Today was Alex's 4-month appointment. And as customary at these meetings, the doctor gave us a diagram showing where Alex's weight and height plot against other babies in his age group. Now, I know this is important stuff for some parents, but not me. I want to know the important key performance indicators. Show me where my baby stands in terms of relative likelihood of becoming a total douchebag when he grows up. Show me what percentile Alex falls in for showing an increased predisposition for wearing golf visors. These are things that are important to me. I guess you can infer some of that based on weight and height.

For example, he's currently in the 95th percentile for height and in the 75th percentile for weight. So based on this I could assume he's going to be tall and skinny. And assuming he's going to keep these blue eyes and his mom's good hair - we are totally fucked . Why aren't I more happy about this? Because when you're blessed with good looks you don't have any motivation to try. Everything is just handed to you in life. And you remember the good looking kids in your high school, right? Yeah, supreme douche nozzles. So, that just means it's up to Stephanie and I to keep his self-esteem in check. Right from the get go he's going to hear: "Hey, I didn't realize shitting your pants in public was all the rage now." Or, "I guess grabbing it with your hands and rubbing it all over your face is ONE way to eat spaghetti. . ." As you can see I just want what's best for my baby.