Hair

Stephanie asked me as we were leaving Blue Plate Diner yesterday - a hipster haven on weekends - if I would have been a hipster had I been given cooler hair? My initial reaction was, "I thought I was a hipster?" But my answer is yes--I would have been much cooler. Well maybe not a hipster, but certainly not the person I am today. Because I think I have just enough of a mixture of self-loathing and narcissism to keep me almost likeable. Adding good hair to the equation would have made me unbearable.

People underestimate how much a man's hair influences his personality. This is why it is very important for my child to have cool hair. I will not be able to re-live the pain and suffering that was bestowed upon me via countless hours under a hot-air dryer waiting for my perm to "take". The only thing that got taken was my dignity.

So when the doctor says, "I'm sorry to say, but it looks like your boy has a shark fin on his back and a duck bill where his foot should be," I'll say, yeah Doc, but how's his hair? And if the answer is, "It's feathered like a goddamn Bee Gees album cover". Then he's going to be fine. Just fine.

Gratitude

Late last night as Stephanie took Sugar out the front to use the bathroom - because Sugar gets random fears of the backyard - a woman stopped to talk to us as she was walking her own two dogs. After a few pleasantries about the dog whisperer show and types of breed etc, Stephanie mentioned that we wanted to curb our dog's barking because of the impending baby. Turns out this lovely woman does not have children of her own due to a later in life marriage, and fears of the types of complications that can bring. I tried to lighten the mood by saying she is more than welcome to tend our kid whenever she wants because we'll surely be ready for a break soon after his arrival - of course I'm already pimping out my child to ease the tension with some stranger on our block. Anyway, despite my oh-so-clever conversation tactic, you could sense a tinge of sadness or possibly regret in her voice. It sounds like her and her husband have a great marriage and are happy with their two dogs and the lives they've carved out for themselves, but that maybe she was missing out on something. As she rounded up her dogs to leave and just as the first few rain drops started to break up the sticky air, Stephanie mentioned that we too had waited longer than most people and that given recent medical breakthroughs and tests that allow you to find out if any complications are present, I think she may have walked away with a sense of hope. It's entirely possible Stephanie and I completely misread her given the fact that we did just meet this person. I guess my point in all this is that although Stephanie and I waited 7 years after being married to have children, conception did happen very quickly for us, and maybe this late night visitor will serve as a reminder that we should feel very fortunate to be given this opportunity since it doesn't always come easy for everybody. I know I personally never had that epiphanal moment of "Thank God we're pregnant!" I don't think men generally do. I think it's like, "okay, now what's next?" But sometimes it's very humbling to sit back and think to yourself, "this is a responsibility and a gift I have been given". So don't fuck it up.

My Baby's Gonna Be a Stoner

*Denim jacket with RATT and W.A.S.P. buttons not included