The Wait is Over - for now.

We went in today for the baby's ultrasound and the doctor showed us his penis. I said "Look doctor, you're penis appears to be in fine form but we're just here to find out the sex of our baby". Hey Ohhhhhhh!

That joke is probably older than ultrasound technology. In fact, old tribes used to sit around the campfire and the proud expectant father would say, "We went in for our cave sketching today. Medicine Man show us penis. I say, look Medicine Man, we respectful of your fire stick, but we just want to find out if baby is hunter or gatherer."

Stephanie just read this over my shoulder and asked, "Are you ever going to be sincere about this?" Yes, I am very excited to have a little boy. In fact, I think it finally hit home today as it was one of the first day's in a while that I wasn't stressed out about work and all I could think about was "Who could I tell?" I think my dad was most excited because he collects guns and I . . . well let's just say I don't collect guns. To put it another way, he has a subscription to "Shotgun News" and I have a subscription to Esquire. Maybe when my dad takes his grandson out into the hills for target practice like he did with me when I was 5, when the gun ricochets and knocks him on his ass with his ears still ringing, he'll look up at this old Greek guy standing over him and say, "Let's do that again." And not, "Can I go help mom with dinner?"

Fetal Fotos

Apparently this place will tell you the sex of your child weeks before most doctors will. Stephanie has been thinking of doing it, but the thought of having my wife get an ultrasound in a strip mall across the street from Southern Exposure just doesn't sound very safe. However, they've given me a great idea for a business name where we will take a photo of your baby immediately following conception:

Sperm Shots


Hey Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

What I will miss

I know it's probably not a great idea for my inaugural "Daddy Blogs" post to be comprised of a list of things that I will miss about not having kids, but however inappropriate, as we get closer to delivery I can't help but think of all the things I will most likely not be able to do once our child is born. I'm sure I am not alone in having these thoughts, as my wife's favorite game of late is "How would we do this with the baby?" Making dinner, "How would we do this with the baby?" Grocery shopping, "How would we do this with the baby?" Most of the time the answer is, "Steph, I would continue [insert activity] while you were with the baby." This usually ends the conversation and we go about making crank calls to Tom and Katie Cruise.

Here then is a partial list of things I will miss about not having a baby:

1. The meth lab where the nursery will now be.

2. Staged readings of David Mamet plays in the backyard.

3. Leaving the bathtub full of water in the event I need an impromptu soak.

4. The handmade wallpaper in the guest room made up of stills from my favorite German porno films.

5. Chompers, our pet kimono dragon.